Feedback - A Rebel's Yell: Part 1

[Kalivan]

Hey everyone,

Finally got round to finishing the first part of my planned series.

Any feedback, whether you noticed a grammatical error or have some thoughts about the writing style/story, would be highly appreciated.

Enjoy!

[Evals]

I really enjoyed it. I liked the mixture of the pain and pleasure, and such. It's also been a while since I've seen a tease with an articulate girl set in a fantasy-world-ruled-by-men that at least tried to be semi-plausible. The grammar was good, and I liked her personality. Perhaps you could put some more time between the edges, or stuff to read. Personally, I am not able to jump between edges pretty much instantaneously, the the "cool down" time felt empty, as far as content. And... More pain? Though that's more personal preference. I liked it, hope to see the sequel soon!

Small error on page 3... "For all my childhood I fantisised about the day I turned 18 and could legally move to a city and be entitled to one male slave." Should be fantasized!

[les]

Wrong the author is not an American, but British.

[Kalivan]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Evals, your earlier teases have always been an inspiration! I am in fact (as Les pointed out) British and as such spell fantasised without the 'z'! Sometimes I do opt for the Americanized spelling, though. :P (Edit: In fact, it does appear quite jarring for some reason, so I have changed it)

Ah, I thought the 'cool down' times might be a problem, but I hadn't had the chance to test it myself. I have been finding it hard to deal with in straight html-based teases as I seem to always run out of pictures while creating interesting opportunities for the reader to take a break! Having said that, things like that can be quite the immersion breakers, so I'll tackle the pacing issues at the next opportunity.

Rest assured, there will be more pain, and lots of it providing I can think up some practical-yet-interesting ways in which to inflict it.

[Evals]

It's no big deal! I usually just take the opportunity to do a breather during those pauses in teases, anyways. Also, hey, nice with not using "stroke x times" or "stroke for x minutes." Also nice with counting out the hits, and such, instead of saying "do twenty!"

Wrong the author is not an American, but British.

Wrong, "fantisise" is still spelled incorrectly, even given it's British. The correct British spelling would be "fantasise." My qualm was more with the misplaced i than the s/z. The spelling of the suffix is arbitrary.

[les]

nods

[mangoman]

Just want to write it again in public:

Great Tease, enjoyed it very much. Looking Forward to the sequel. More pain and humiliation would be great. And bondage too, that little bondage part was funny.

[Kalivan]

Wrong, "fantisise" is still spelled incorrectly, even given it's British. The correct British spelling would be "fantasise."

Argh. How embarrassing, wrong on both accounts!

In fact, it does appear quite jarring for some reason

^ Clearly I had realised subconsciously. Heh.
All fixed now :)

[Sub-Routine]

Very well-written tease, both sexy and a little different. Looking forward to your next one.

[whacker44]

nothing makes me hornier than having sore balls, sore nipples and experienced a ruined orgasm..hurry lol

[ManPlan]

Very nice tease, don't think I'll be able to cure these blue balls fully till the next one comes out.