Make us Smile text based

[les]

a thread for jokes

My starter
for ten

The Stroker who wrapped his dick with
A ten pound note.

He wanted to cum into money

[Alison]

It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside the church. Two of the older congregants had heard it all before and found better things to do during the sermon: an elderly man who always fell asleep, and a woman who always knitted. It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing (sleeping and knitting).

The preacher began his homily: "Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and behold?"

At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) poked one end of it accidentally into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up and shouted, "GOD!!"

"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend responded. "And who is the son of God who came down to visit the earth, and who died for our sins?"

The lady poked the poor guy again and this time he yelled. "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

"CORRECT AGAIN!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?"

The lady poked the man yet again and, finally fed up, he yelled, "STICK THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

[deathby.curiosity]

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

Make me one with everything.

[Heathcliff]

So a seal walks into a club....

[Incubo]

A husband and wife are laying in bed one night.
The wife is becoming a little self concious and says, "I wish I had larger breasts."
The husband, trying to be helpful, thinks for a second and says, "Rub some toilet paper on 'em."
Shocked, the wife replies, "How in the world is that going to help?"
The husband says, "How should I know, but look what it's done for your ass."

[SatyrMeister]

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

Make me one with everything.

loves it

[Shawn_m_virgin]

The chief of a village is expecting a chief from a neihboring tribe for a treaty signing, when he realizes the only chair in his hut is his throne. He thinks "I can't sit in that and have him sit on the floor,he'll be offended and won't sign the treaty". So he tries to hide the throne, but can't find anywhere to stow it. He looks out the window and sees the other chief arriveing, so he stuffs it on a shelf above the door. Just as he finishes wedging it precariously above him, there's a knock on the door. He opens the door, and before he can say anything, the throne falls on him. The moral of the story is people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Nwah]

A mother is cleaning her son's room, and finds an S&M magazine under his bed. She brings it to her husband, who stares at the magazine for a moment, then hands it back to the mother. A few moments pass and he doesn't say anything, until the mother says,
"So, what do you think we should do about this?
To which the father replies,
"Well, I don't think you should spank him..."

[cumhardy]

A young lad starts work as an undertakers apprentice. He's been working for a couple of hours when he gets told to undress and wash the body of an old lady that has died in the night.
He duly sets about his task and the undertaker leaves him to it to concentrate on the funeral arrangements.
10 minutes later the apprentice comes running into the office with a look of horror on his face, telling the undertaker he is very worried as he has found a prawn hanging out of the lady's vagina.

The undertaker follows the apprentice back into the room and takes a look at the old lady. He bursts out laughing and says to the young boy " That's not a prawn lad, thats a clitoris. All women have them."

The young lad replies " Well it tastes like a prawn"

[cumhardy]

He walked in and found me lying there, handcuffed to the bed, with a great big vibrator stuck up my arse. wearing nipple clamps and a gimp mask.
"Whats going on?" He asks.
I said; "This is how you left me, three fucking days ago when you went to get some condoms."
"Condoms!" he says. "I knew there was something I had to remember."

This is the last time I let Grandad be the Dom

[les]

The Millers were shown into the dentist's office,
where Mrs Miller made it clear she was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor,"
she ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
"Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,"
said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?"

Mrs Miller turned to her husband:
"Show him your tooth, Honey."

[SexualChoc]

I heard this one in a church, and it might just work for this community.

A man is tired of his job the stress is too much so He joins a Monastery
While there he takes up scribing and calligraphy
But after a week he realizes he is only coping for copies
So He leans over to the monk next to him and asks
"Why do we only copy from copies and never from originals?"
The monk relies, "I don't know, let's ask the head of the order" (the Abbot)
the abbot goes into the basement to retrieve some originals
But he is gone a Long time so the two become worried, after all he is an old man, so they head down stairs
and see the old man hunched over a huge book crying
"All these years, All these year the word was Celebrate!"

(Not Celibite)

[Heathcliff]

Kid's love clowns.








Just ask Gacy.

[Heathcliff]

*shudders*

Clowns ....

So a kid and a clown walking into the woods. The kid get's a little scared and says "These woods are so dark and scary! Why do we have to go in here?"

The clown replies: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

[storydejour]

The church humor reminded me of this one:

The setting is a small country church, the congregation just settling in for Sunday morning worship. Suddenly, the back doors of the church fly open, and in walks Satan, projecting the essence of evil, his grand entrance enhanced by a cloud of sulphuric smoke.

Terrified, almost everyone heads for an exit of some sort, be it alternate doors or even the windows, and when the smoke clears, there's only Satan standing in the entrance, a very nervous minister with a death grip on the pulpit, and an old farmer sitting nonchalantly in his usual pew.

Satan looks at both men, then speaks, first to the minister. "I understand why you stayed, being the pastor of this church and a man of the cloth... but YOU..." glaring at the old man in the pew... "Why didn't you run with the others? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

The old man turned in his seat to address the Dark Lord. "Yep, I know who you are. I'm surprised you didn't recognize me. I've been married to your sister for 50 years."