Prologue
______Alright, So here's the deal: This essay is self-help for the sorts of submissives who moan that they can't find a domme, it's my shot in the dark to help them. Perhaps I'll turn one single life around, that will be enough. Hopefully, my help is wider ranging. Before the lesson begins, I'm going to lay some things out on the table. I'm arrogant, I know it, and it works for me, so don't go hunting me down online to tell me I'm a dick: I know. I am not a submissive, but for much of my life, I identified as one. I'm bisexual, and while this guide should work for the male dom persuasion, it's targeted at straight male submissives seeking a domme.
______I do not claim to know everything about women, or dommes, but I have spent plenty of time around them, intimate and friendly. I've talked to them, and they've talked to me. I've watched males approach and be rejected, and I'm compiling what I've seen, and what I know to work. Nonetheless, chaos theory rules our universe, and all people are different. This guide may work out terribly for you, and it may help you meet the person you die with. I'm not responsible for any of the bad stuff, but if you do meet the love of your life, remember this essay. Hell yeah.
Class Time!
______Lesson 1: Before you can learn how to court a domme, you need to step your game up. It does not matter how well you think you can please a domme with your acts, if you yourself are lagging behind. Much of this has to do with self image. Not body image, you don't need to be especially fit... but it helps.
______First, what kind of submissive are you? To not have an answer to this question will make things a lot more complicated in the end. Are you a masochist, but not especially big on intense obedience, preferring a playful, kinky interaction? Are you a devoted, emotionally invested type, who wants to be cuddled and held, but owned? There are many possible answers, and I am not arrogant enough to think I know them all –Figure out what yours is, so that you can build confidence onto your brand new self image.
______Contrary to what you may be hearing, and for some of you, contrary to your fantasy, dommes do not want a sniveling, groveling, slobbering man at their feet moaning about how utterly worthless his worm cock is, and won't you please cut it off. This is not attractive, not to anyone except for some of the most uncommon of sadists. Even a pure sadist will usually prefer some fight in their prey. Do not convince yourself you are not a real man, do not convince yourself that women as a whole gender are superior to you, and do not convince yourself that you'd be lucky if a domme even looked at you.
______If you've read this far, you're not one of the ones who went running when they realized that there's work involved in this, and some of it just isn't sexy. Feel good about yourself, we just dropped some people from the class and you're still here.
______Some of you are probably indignant now. “But I like calling myself an icky gooey worm!”, “but I am not a real man, really!”. Those things are okay, they're part of fantasy, and no matter how deeply you like to submit, how dark it gets, this guide is still for you... because an important part of all this is separating in your mind the aspect of an intimate human relationship, and the erotic fetishism of obedience, humiliation, shoes, whatever your kinks may be. Those are not important nearly as much as the former, so put them away for the duration of this essay, and listen with the other half. If you can't do this, you may want to reassess your commitment.
______Figured out how to separate your kink from the relationship? Good, on we go.
______Lesson 2: No matter your confidence, the wrong approach will mess everything up. We're going to get metaphorical here, and possibly dig into some meta-narrative, so buckle your seatbelts. This part is the one where some dommes simply will not be compatible with what I tell you, but I firmly believe it's general enough to really be worth teaching. If you were linked to this guide by a domme you approached, this is your section.
______A common image of a male submissive approaching a domme that is seen these days on IRC and forums is for the man to declare that he will “do anything” for her, or that he is “her slave”. Perhaps he will be even so presumptive to call her “Mistress” this early on. Bad move. Dommes get a constant stream of that sort of thing, it is not arousing, it will not work for you, and it may even lose you your chance, marking you as an HNG, “Horny Net Geek”, a pariah of the community, one who drifts around pumping people for bits of fantasy to stroke over.
______The fundamental error in this method is that it objectifies the domme, reducing her as a person to just a dominant female sexbot, waiting to fulfill your crazy fantasy. It also sends the message that you are not serious, just out for the digital equivalent of a one night stand. As far as common knowledge goes, women are a hell of a lot less likely to be interested, especially in the kink community where relationships may even be nonsexual, entirely about a power dynamic.
______Now that you know what not to do, comes my answer to what you should do, something that has brought me many, many domme friends with whom I share mutual respect, and even a few of the most amazing erotic experiences of my life, most of which I didn't even ask for.
______Upon seeing a domme you have an urge to court, ask yourself a few questions, and hold the answers close. “Do I know who she is, as a person, or do I just know that she is a domme?”. If you don't, and she's new to you, don't approach her like you're a groupie, or a friend. It's creepy as hell. “Do I know if she is open to talking to new people, if she's outgoing?”. If you don't know, don't be surprised if she reacts harshly, and most certainly don't lash back, especially in front of other dommes. Many dommes have been harassed and bugged by HNGs for so long that they're automatically on guard about any male submissive approaching; who'd blame them?
______Once you're ready for rejection, and calm enough to not come off as a stalker, you can begin. The idea is not to throw yourself at her feet in a show of devotion, but to show that you are a real person yourself, and there's more to you than just your collar and your dick. This part is guided by practice and finesse in social interaction about which there are books upon books. Show the sharpness of your blade, but do not be boastful. Conversing or writing in an intelligent, respectable manner helps a lot here, as does having wit, and knowing when not to use it. You're attempting to assert yourself as someone worth her time not because you're willing to submit (that's so common she won't even blink), but because you're interesting to talk to, fun to have around, and you make her smile. This is why you stepped your game up. Why does she care that you'll submit, if you have nothing to submit to her?
______I'll add in a list of some of the things that dommes don't want to hear about, and some of these if brought up will decapitate your chances on the spot: How you're such a nice guy, and girls always go for assholes. Jokes about women. Your past ex, and how much of a bitch she was. Your collection of 50 pairs of worn panties you bought on eBanned. That you're masturbating, right now. They also don't like being asked dumb questions about obvious stuff, such as “do you like using a strapon to fuck your submissive?” and it's obvious when you ask that kind of shit that you're masturbating to her answer. Most will simply stop talking to you. Yes, we know, even the guy doms. Yes, it's obvious as fuck every single time you do it. Stop. You're a creepy shit.
______Once you've established that your mental blade is sharp, you will then lay it at her feet, the gesture offering your submission, testing if she's willing to take your interactions to the next phase. How you handle it makes all the difference, and how you handle being rebuffed at this point will strongly affect your reputation and future chances.
______Do not ruin your hard work by begging her to accept your submission, or acting as though you're really really excited that she's talked to you, and now you want to tie some knots. You're not in yet, any sort of commitment is still off the table entirely. You still just met, don't forget that. This concept may be foreign to some subs, but you're going to have to play hard to get, here. Yes, you. If you hand it over without a fight, it sends the message that you don't place much importance in your free will, and who you submit to. You not having standards is an insult to her. So have standards. Make sure she's up to them, but tactfully. Pull back the blade, and see if she tugs. Don't be an asshole (those pickup-artist books are wrong, subtlety is -key- here, just being a dick is going to get you dicked). Do show that there's more to you that just submission, that you have enough dom in your blood to stand up for her when it matters, and to stand up for yourself.
______Women (and men) typically are not flattered by the fact they're able to be in control of a lumpy, wimpy, awkward nerd. Flattery is when that witty, funny, sexy guy who got a second look shows that he knows what he's got, and then allows himself to be taken. Be that guy.
______Lesson 3: Keeping the flame requires that you don't return to your old ways. Yeah, I know... it's horrible. You're gonna have to stay confident, not go back to being a doormat, and maybe even talk to your new domme as an equal! This part, I don't have much to say about, because if you still need to be told, you're doomed to die alone. Don't ever forget she's a whole person, not just a domme. Don't ever forget that you are a full person, too. Most definitely do not forget that your confidence is your single biggest asset, and knowing how and when to use it makes all the difference. As a dom, I can definitely tell you that a submissive with no confidence is not fun to have or keep, and unless it's my kink for him, a boy constantly referring to himself as worthless, a worm, etc. just becomes annoying, and fast. Do call me Sir though, I just love being called Sir.
Epilogue
______Thanks for hanging on through this whole thing, if you've made it so far. Feel free to share your opinions with me, and if you do have a success story, let me hear about it. If I help even one couple form, It was all worth it. If you want to complain about my generalizations and stereotypes in this story, don't bother. If you want personal advice, I may be willing to provide counsel. If you want me on your leash as a result of this essay, contact me, because while I'm most certainly not at a place in my life where I'm seeking or ready for another relationship, anyone who wants to play with me has gotta be worth meeting. If you want to have a drink and a chat at the next Folsom Street Fair, lemme know, I always love meeting new people there.
Over and Out,
______TheGraduate
