Feedback on First Tease?

[Black Jay]

I just submitted my first tease and I would love feedback, in case I did anything wrong or could improve anything.

http://www.milovana.com/webteases/showt ... p?id=20328

Thanks!

[Atmon]

Good on you. Firstly I've been loitering around here for almost three years, and only bothered to join not long ago, and I have never written a single tease yet. I've been through almost every single tease since I first stumbled upon Maria Pavlova or whatever her name was, and I know what I like, and I've written a few in my notepad and had a look at the webtease instructions so I know what to do and how to go about doing it, but I've been slack, and want to make my first tease something worth seeing, and thus something worth doing.

Okay, so that's where I'm at, and I have no right to criticise anyone because I've never conjured up a single tease in almost three years.

I went over yours a few times, and tried to be analytical about it. It didn't really get me from go to whoa and I didn't rate it because I wouldn't personally have given it a four or nor a five. I usually only rate the best ones, but I don't give ratings on the bad nor the ugly.

Now where you're at was not bad nor ugly, but the first thing I picked were the pics. It's personal. It's me. I don't like outdoors because with this sort of caper, to me it may very well start outdoors, but it has nowhere to go unless it ends up inside somewhere. I personally like a certain genre of image to go with my sexual fantasies: dominant looking petite brunettes with luxurious abodes or dungeons or whatever, but that's just me and my own imagination, so the whole outdoors thing left me flat, whereas some others more understanding of the great outdoors probably would like it. It's just me. The babe was okay, but I wish she could have invited me inside.

Now, that clears up the basic personal differences, the main part of the tease seemed to lack inspiration. I can't remember offhand without loading it again, but there I was out in the forest and suddenly Olivia is giving me instructions straight out of the blue, without any logical reason why I shoudln't just walk up and knock her off the log and walk away. The story line needed some kind of beginning to make it credible.

eg. if I'd run out of gasoline or my cellphone battery went flat, then maybe tht could have been a reason for her to ask me to take off my pants, but we seemed to miss that part. The inspiration.

I hope I don't discourage you. I still haven't got around to doing my first ever tease, because I am busy practicing, so please keep up the good work, but there's some onest feedback, and I hope this can be classed as constructive criticism from someone who is hopeless at writing them, but golly I have read so many by now I must be an expert on webteases and never even wrote a single one.

[Black Jay]

Thank you for the feedback, it's appreciated!

For the nature part, yeah I see how that can be a little weird now, I just saw that gallery and it screamed "beautiful" to me, idk I was just drawn to it (I'm attracted to natural stuff anyways). Like you said, personal preference, my future ones will likely be in doors since 98% of the galleries out there are in doors.

As for the story, yeah I didn't really do one of that at all. I'll put an effort into that next time. I see how it's strange to not have any reason for the situation, and one wouldn't have to take 5-10 pages to develop (which was kind of what I was wanting to avoid, those teases annoy me and if I don't get into the actual tease within a few pages I typically leave them, but I'm probably one of the few like this).

Anyways, thank you very much for the response! :)