Wife found my porn

[wonderbo]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. For now, we're not going to see a sex therapist. However, if/when we do I'll this in mind.

I think probably the biggest factor is her upbringing. Both of us come from religious families. This has been a source of strength for us in a lot of situations. I definitely feel more free to experiment with sex than she does...but I think that's ok since we've found a middle ground. The porn is the only issue. She knows I masturbate and she doesn't have a problem with that...just the porn. I'm not sure what she believes I'm thinking about when I masturbate when I'm not using porn to assist.

[wonderbo]

After five days without looking at porn, or masturbating, I finally received some release last night. She opted to give this in the form of manual stimulation instead of penetration...which I reciprocated. I'm notsure if this was because she knows I like handjobs...or because she wanted to keep it a little less personal.

I'm surprised to experience an increase in my desire to look at porn today after having an orgasm last night. I almost gave in to that desire just now; came here and wrote this instead.

[Human]

How about reading porn/erotica .... is that alright according to your wife ?

[wonderbo]

How about reading porn/erotica .... is that alright according to your wife ?

Well, I kind of doubt it...but it's an interesting point. It hasn't been discussed directly. I know that she used to read romance novels when she was younger, although I've never seen her read one. I don't know if she masturbated to them or not. Do women masturbate to romance novels? When I was in junior high school I used to go to the library and sneak romance novels into the bathroom...I'd flip through them until I found juicy parts and masturbate.

[Human]

How about reading porn/erotica .... is that alright according to your wife ?

Well, I kind of doubt it...but it's an interesting point. It hasn't been discussed directly. I know that she used to read romance novels when she was younger, although I've never seen her read one. I don't know if she masturbated to them or not. Do women masturbate to romance novels? When I was in junior high school I used to go to the library and sneak romance novels into the bathroom...I'd flip through them until I found juicy parts and masturbate.

Ah, you saw where I was going with it
Even if she does not directly masturbate to erotica, I doubt she is thinking about you when she is jilling off. Taken to it conclusion, this line of argument ends in that masturbation is like cheating.

[wonderbo]

How about reading porn/erotica .... is that alright according to your wife ?

Well, I kind of doubt it...but it's an interesting point. It hasn't been discussed directly. I know that she used to read romance novels when she was younger, although I've never seen her read one. I don't know if she masturbated to them or not. Do women masturbate to romance novels? When I was in junior high school I used to go to the library and sneak romance novels into the bathroom...I'd flip through them until I found juicy parts and masturbate.

Ah, you saw where I was going with it
Even if she does not directly masturbate to erotica, I doubt she is thinking about you when she is jilling off. Taken to it conclusion, this line of argument ends in that masturbation is like cheating.

There are actually quite a few teases on this site that don't really have any "porn" in them. Just softcore images...sometimes not even that. I'd like to think that's allowed. It's been 7 days since I looked at porn.

[wonderbo]

You aren't cheating on her by masturbation fantasies. If she is that insecure, there are other factors involved. Is she going through a physical change? Has she put on or lost weight? Does her self-esteem need booting up. Or it may just make her uncomfortable because her upbringing tells her it's bad and wrong. So if you keep porn it is probably best to do it in a "private place on your computer." (That is another issue- if you share a computer, she may find it particularly difficult to have something she considers "her replacement" on her turf.)

Giving up porn may be a good decision for you. If you spend more than 3 hours a day, every single day looking at sexually gratifying images that's a problem. But perhaps you can give yourself time on a regular basis as a treat. But do it in a way that takes into account her feelings and considers them.

Hope that helps.

Ali

Ali - I thought about your answer some more and wanted to respond:

There have been changes. We've both put on some weight recently...and she's been very verbal about being frustrated with herself for doing it. I've tried to be reassuring, maybe I'm not doing a good job? Anyway, it's not a huge amount of weight for either of us...maybe 10-15 pounds...enough to be able to tell a difference.

She and I have separate computers. She claims to have stumbled upon it while looking for a movie to watch on my computer. Her explanation is plausible, but I can't help but wonder if she was actually searching for it. I had become somewhat careless about hiding it since it hadn't been an issue in quite a while. So, maybe the place I was keeping it was not private enough if she was able to "accidentally" stumble upon it.

I haven't looked at porn for that long that frequently...and when I did look, I did every thing I could to prevent her from knowing about it. There have definitely been days when I have looked at porn in excess of 3 hours at a time though...and sometimes even consecutive days. Do you think this is a problem? I do like porn a lot. I've been able to avoid it for 7 consecutive days now.

[Human]

There have definitely been days when I have looked at porn in excess of 3 hours at a time though...and sometimes even consecutive days. Do you think this is a problem? I do like porn a lot. I've been able to avoid it for 7 consecutive days now.

Only you can decide if its a problem for you. It is a problem if its interfering with your work; you are rejecting your wife becuase of it etc.
Have you wacked off in these 7 days ? Can you wack off (relatively) happily without lookinig at it ? Would you have withdrawal symptoms if you were ithout porn for a month (but you could wack off otherwise) ?

[neloangelo1227]

For the ease of understanding of all Milovana posters, I have compiled a simple guide to determine whether you have a porn problem. Read the following scenarios and find a brief note afterwards that will explain what kind of problem they depict.

Woman: Hey big sexy... (grope) Let's do it!
Man: No thanks honey, there are some great new videos on AlbinoBestialityMegaPornUniverse dot Com today.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

Woman: Hey honey, I'm home early... oh, my God! You're looking at porn!
Man: Yeah, I jerk off this time every day.
Woman: YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!
Man: ... but we have sex all the time! And both of us enjoy it! How am I chea--
Woman: GET OUT!

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

Woman: What do you mean we can't afford groceries?
Man: Ummm. I made some... special purchases this month.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

Woman: I found your porn!
Man: Oh. What did you think?
Woman: These women are all so sexualized! Do you want ME to look like that?!
Man: No way! I would have said so if that were true.
Woman: So I'm not enough for you?
Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have I ever complained?
Woman: You're using this porn to fill gaps that you think I can't fill!

Here's an important distinction, folks!

Man: I didn't think you'd be up for any of this kinky stuff, so I never brought it up.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

Man: I get everything I want from you! I look at porn because it's fun, not because I'm wishing you were putting out more!

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

Woman: I'm horny!
Man: Sorry. I already jerked off today.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

(That last one is a little more complicated, though. If you look at porn but your partner is still fulfilled, that's not a problem. If you look at porn and it wears you out such that you're not interested in your partner, that's a problem.)

Man: Wow, the girl in this porn has a perfect ass.
Woman: Mine isn't perfect?

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

I hope these were helpful.

[wonderbo]

Only you can decide if its a problem for you. It is a problem if its interfering with your work; you are rejecting your wife becuase of it etc.
Have you wacked off in these 7 days ? Can you wack off (relatively) happily without lookinig at it ? Would you have withdrawal symptoms if you were ithout porn for a month (but you could wack off otherwise) ?

Well, I can't say it's interfering with work...and I've definitely never rejected my wife because of it. No, I have not whacked off in the last 7 days...although I did think about it, and I wanted to. I'm not sure what that measures since one of my kinks is denial/delay.

I have no problems whacking off without porn...I beat off in the shower all the time without porn. What would you classify as a "withdrawal symptom"? Here's what I've experienced in the last 7 days:

• The first few days I felt a strong desire to look at it, but an even stronger desire to not let my wife down
• After 2-3 days without it the desire seemed to decrease a little, but I also knew that my wife and I were getting along better and that there was a good chance we would be having sex within a day or so
• After we had sex, the next day I felt an almost overwhelming desire to look at porn and masturbate. I did not follow through on this desire
• Today I'm still feeling a pretty strong desire to look and masturbate. Yesterday I was actively plotting scenarios where I might be able to do it and then talking myself out of it. Today I'm trying to stay focus on some tasks I need to get done.

The idea of going an entire month without looking at porn seems like a long time right now. I'm wondering if I could avoid masturbating that entire time too. It seems like it would be easier to go that long if I did at least masturbate. Then again, the thought of how horny I'd be when my wife and I had sex during that month is a turn on. Hmmm...

[Human]

Well in this past 7 days avoiding porn = avoiding masturbation, so nothing can be derived from your urges. If you were masturbating/having sex regularly and still had mad urges to look at porn, then yes, yoiu may have had a problem.

To figure out if you have a problem, start wacking off regularly, and not look at porn for a couple of weeks.

[Human]

Woman: I found your porn!
Man: Oh. What did you think?
Woman: These women are all so sexualized! Do you want ME to look like that?!
Man: No way! I would have said so if that were true.
Woman: So I'm not enough for you?
Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have I ever complained?
Woman: You're using this porn to fill gaps that you think I can't fill!

Here's an important distinction, folks!

Man: I didn't think you'd be up for any of this kinky stuff, so I never brought it up.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.
.

[

I dont agree with that. Sometimes I look at really kinky stuff --- orgies, elitepain etc, it does not mean I'd want the wife to do it in real life.

[wonderbo]

@neloangelo1227 - Awesome! Some of these made me laugh!

Woman: Hey big sexy... (grope) Let's do it!
Man: No thanks honey, there are some great new videos on AlbinoBestialityMegaPornUniverse dot Com today.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Not happening at my house, LoL!

Woman: Hey honey, I'm home early... oh, my God! You're looking at porn!
Man: Yeah, I jerk off this time every day.
Woman: YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!
Man: ... but we have sex all the time! And both of us enjoy it! How am I chea--
Woman: GET OUT!

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Also not happening at my house

Woman: What do you mean we can't afford groceries?
Man: Ummm. I made some... special purchases this month.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Again, not happening at my house

Woman: I found your porn!
Man: Oh. What did you think?
Woman: These women are all so sexualized! Do you want ME to look like that?!
Man: No way! I would have said so if that were true.
Woman: So I'm not enough for you?
Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have I ever complained?
Woman: You're using this porn to fill gaps that you think I can't fill!

Here's an important distinction, folks!

Man: I didn't think you'd be up for any of this kinky stuff, so I never brought it up.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Well, I'd be lying if I said there were things we don't do that I wish she would. I'm definitely not unfulfilled though. I do get something from the fantasy porn helps with that I can't get from her. In all reality, I don't think I really want it everything I get from porn from her though...that would actually be a little scary to do in real life


Man: I get everything I want from you! I look at porn because it's fun, not because I'm wishing you were putting out more!

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Well, close. I don't get everything I want...but I get most of what I want from her. I'm not sure I could be so bold as to try to explain how much fun I think porn is either.

Woman: I'm horny!
Man: Sorry. I already jerked off today.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- A scenario close to this happens from time to time. I wouldn't necessarily just come out and tell her I already jerked off today though. I'm more likely to try to stall for a few hours if I feel like I need some recharge time. If I can't stall, I would just either go down on her or masturbate her until she came. A single jerk off to completion is not going to typically keep me from being able to get if up again unless I've had a pretty stressful day, not much sleep, or have recently engaged in some other strenuous activity or exercise.

Man: Wow, the girl in this porn has a perfect ass.
Woman: Mine isn't perfect?

THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM.

- Well, this isn't something I would ever say to her...for the simple fact that even if she wouldn't admit it, she'd like to imagine that she the only women I ever think about or look at. Of course, this doesn't stop her from telling me when she thinks another man is attractive. It doesn't really bother me though.

[wonderbo]

Well in this past 7 days avoiding porn = avoiding masturbation, so nothing can be derived from your urges. If you were masturbating/having sex regularly and still had mad urges to look at porn, then yes, yoiu may have had a problem.

To figure out if you have a problem, start wacking off regularly, and not look at porn for a couple of weeks.

I agree. It's been 8 days without porn or masturbating as of right now. I've had sex one time within that time frame. I think about looking at porn several times a day...I have not masturbated once. Well, if you don't count rubbing myself through my pants a little. Anyway, I'll try giving myself some release every day and see what happens to my desire to view porn over the next several days.

[neloangelo1227]

Man: I didn't think you'd be up for any of this kinky stuff, so I never brought it up.

THE MAN HAS A PROBLEM.

I don't agree with that. Sometimes I look at really kinky stuff --- orgies, elitepain etc, it does not mean I'd want the wife to do it in real life.

Then you're in a different situation: you don't bring it up because you don't want to do it. The man in the scenario I wrote isn't bringing it up because he's afraid.