Making myself cry

[Nika Ferlinghetti]

Well aren't you an interesting case.

I'm not sure that you can generate real tears from self inflicted humiliation. Some part of you knows its safe and that you can stop at any time.

In scanning your sad story, I'm also struck by the fact that are doing tasks that at some level turn you on.

You need to go far outside of you comfort zone, and drag yourself far lower than you've done before.

I suggest the following: Chastity for one month. This should be belted chastity with you giving the key to someone else to hold. There are keyholding services for a fee. Then, to earn your key back, you should be forced to do something far harder. Perhaps you must earn $50 from providing glory hole services. Or, allow multiple men to cum on you. And know the whole time, that you are doing all this just to earn a chance to masturbate. Something any 14 year old can do all day long. No doubt forced bi is a hard limit for you, but dear you want to be taking to a new low. And I'm guessing a month of chastity will make you quite amenable to earning control back. Of course to get your key back, you'd need to provide photographic evidence of your degradation.

Nika

[bondageslave36]

Markov... haha, onions would probably do it, but I cant think of many things sadder than the old yeller thing ;)

Thank you Nika for that wonderful suggestion, the other problem is, I can cum pretty easily in chastity. I've locked myself up in a CB-3000 before. I need to tease myself with porn and things for an hour or so, but I can eventually cum simply by rocking the chastity tube back and forth. I was really disappointed when I found this out. The first time I did it, it was actually accidental. I didn't realize I was anywhere close and then... *squirt*

I understand what you are saying about my comfort zone and realizing I can stop whenever I want, so there has to be a way to force myself to keep going... like locking myself out of my house before sunset and having to hide in a dark corner of the shed until it is safe to go out, then having the key somewhere that I must perform a humiliating task to get to it. I just don't know what that thing would be.

The whole glory hole thing has always turned me on a whole lot and that would probably make me cry, but I would probably regret doing that when I found out I had AIDS or something. I would rather keep that kind of thing a fantasy.

I hate to sound like I am shooting down everybody's ideas here. Hopefully I am giving enough of a valid reason against these things to make you understand.

Oh... and keep the ideas coming. Something you say might spark something else and give me an idea.

[kinkydomina]

Your ideas are amazingly humiliating, but it shows you don't get so much of a kick unless you do it in public - that is here, on this forum.
I really think you should try having witnesses.

[bondageslave36]

Your ideas are amazingly humiliating, but it shows you don't get so much of a kick unless you do it in public - that is here, on this forum.
I really think you should try having witnesses.

You are right about that... I guess this message board is a way of doing it in public for me. The thing is, I can't really have live witnesses... it's a small town and word travels fast. I don't want to totally ruin myself.

I wouldn't be opposed to having someone on the phone with me as I do this, telling me what to do and making fun of me the entire time. Then again, my number would have to be kept anonymous and I don't quite have the money to pay for that kind of thing... but if I could find a way, that would be perfect.

[NewInKink]

Your ideas are amazingly humiliating, but it shows you don't get so much of a kick unless you do it in public - that is here, on this forum.
I really think you should try having witnesses.

You are right about that... I guess this message board is a way of doing it in public for me. The thing is, I can't really have live witnesses... it's a small town and word travels fast. I don't want to totally ruin myself.

I wouldn't be opposed to having someone on the phone with me as I do this, telling me what to do and making fun of me the entire time. Then again, my number would have to be kept anonymous and I don't quite have the money to pay for that kind of thing... but if I could find a way, that would be perfect.

One thing that might work is to go to a different town and try to do something in 'public' there. Be careful about doing anything that can get you arrested though. One possible thing might be to set something up on a personals site or craigslist in the city you are visiting, so you can have witnesses that won't call the cops on you.

[bondageslave36]

Yea, that is the whole problem. I'm not quite willing to get arrested or take that big of a risk. I'd rather not bring anybody else into this if I can also prevent it.

[Lindsey]

Initially, you seemed to be fixed on the idea on making yourself cry. It seems to me that you're not necessarily fixated on the idea of being humiliated, but on the idea of doing disgusting things without having to experience any real consequences to them. Maybe doing these things and keeping them private to yourself was doing it for you before, but it's not anymore. You've become enthralled with the idea of thinking up more and more disgusting things for you to do to push the limits farther.

I see an issue with this though. You can only go so far before you either suffer consequences that you regret, or involve another person. I think that's really what you're craving here. I think you want someone that has thoughts and ideas for you that are more humiliating and degrading than the things that you conjure up yourself. I think you crave the feeling of someone making you do something that never even crossed your mind. Something that never even occurred to you. Something that's beyond what you'd forced yourself to do.

I think you want to feel the duality of feeling safe and being able to trust that person, but at the same time, second guessing that security in moments of fear and anticipation. I think you want someone that takes great pleasure in constantly finding new ways to make you feel uneasy, even after you've grown to become enthralled with them due to experiences you've had without any long term negative affects...someone that will constantly leave you wondering, "What if she just hasn't hurt me up until now so she could gain my trust enough to do something truly evil?"

I think you want to feel the roller-coaster ride of feeling compassion and trust get pushed aside to make room for verbal, physical, and psychological degredation. Feeling downright fear set in when you realize you've put yourself in a situation where someone else is now deciding your limits for you. Feeling like you've utterly surrendered yourself to them, and when you're through with it, laying back and crying about what they've made you do, what they've made you into...and being accepted for it, thus feeling compassion and trust again.

Maybe i'm reading into this wrong, but that's my take. I don't think you'll be happy with constantly stepping up the bar until you find the right person to do it for you and to you.

-L

[Nikki]

Why do you want to cry?

What emotion are you looking to achieve? grief..saddness.. despair?

I agree with the people who have indicated that perhaps you need someone rather than a task in order to feel what you are craving to feel. Having to get instructions from Sandra22 or having Isabella Valentine in your ear only feed this frenzy.

I think the emotional abuse that you seem to require can only come from another person.

I cry sometimes when I have an ULTIMATE orgasm... it can be a HUGE release for me. Obviously not a desperate cry but I do believe I feel at that moment what you might be trying to feel. Sounds funny as the circumstances are quite different but I can see how that might be true.

Nikki

[bondageslave36]

Thanks for taking the time to make that post, but I know I am not willing to do certain things... like public and like getting other people involved. It's just not something I want to do. They are very hard limits for me and I think those should be respected. If I can't possibly accomplish my goal by staying within these limits, I am going to have to abandon my goal. The limits are much more important to me.

I hadn't really thought about what emotion I am attempting to achieve. Perhaps some desperation mixed with the realization of what a loser I am. Perhaps you are right when you say that the emotional abuse that I require can only come from someone else... but I think that may be why I came to this forum. I don't think it needs to be in person or as real of a thing that others are suggesting. I'm not looking to try from having a huge orgasm... I am a guy and I don't think that is possible, although, that would be AWESOME.

Thanks again for the input, it is appreciated.

[casey]

going out on a limb here.

my guess is that whomever started the process which connected your sexuality to this, needs addressing

there is a pain to be cried out

but perhaps hidden anger is doing the blocking

next time you're really charged up take a short blunt knife (so you won't accidentally cut yourself) and stab the crap out of an old telephone book ... or use a baseball bat, hitting your bed using full body overhead strikes [choose between options; which feels more appropriate piercing or blunt hitting]

the idea is that if you can activate the buried anger, the blocked energy will flow and the much needed crying will follow in its footsteps

hopefully sexual release will become less difficult as your libido revisits blocked channels and wider options

expect it to be a bit frightening to acknowledge the anger

good luck brother

[1azzu1]

the tasks sounds pretty disgusting... whould make a awsone tease