Euphemisms for Masturbation

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The List So Far

Bleeding The Weed

Beating The Bishop

Hogging The Elmer's Glue

Surfing With The Alien

Riding The Service Elevator

Lubing The Lightning Rod

Morphing The Dwarf Worf

Giving The Naked Mole Rat A Noogie

Launching The Catfish

Caulking The Comforter

Slugging The Scud

Choking The Chihuahua

Buffing The Bone

Tweeting The Meat Whistle

Poking The Trojan

Stroking The String Cheese

Chafing The Chipmunk

Petting The Penguin

Strangling The Mime

Wringing The Rooster

Squeezing Tweety Bird

Pine-Tarring The Louisville Slugger

Flying The Flag

Playing Pocket Pool

Smacking The Jack-In-The-Box

Stepping Into A Slim Jim

Dowsing The Trouser Mouse

Stuffing The Five-Fingered Turkey

Tackling The Hamburglar

Greasing Grimmace

Getting Special Sauce From Mayor McCheese

Scolding The Squirrel

Paddling The Pickle

Tweaking The Leek

De-Lousing The Naked Clown

Grooming The Komodo Dragon

Tickling The Chicken

Having Tea With Tigger

Boxing Gandhi

Smothering The Monkey

Boinking Big Boy

Grasping The Grouper

Flibhabbling The Winkerpoodel

Noosing The Loch Ness Monster

Cuddling With The Cumquat

Spanking The Anteater

Fingering The Flesh Fretboard

Making The White River Flow

Finding Waldo

Hiding Saddam In The Bunker

Pistol-Whipping The Python

Heimliching Herve Villechaize

Wagging The Worm

Carpaling The Tunnel Syndrome

Goosing The Cobra

Sumo-Wrestling With Tom Thumb

Priming The Geyser

Tweaking The Ewok

Retching The Echidna

Fluffing The Fajita

Necklacing The Burrito

Tugging On Santa's Beard

Nerfing The Herder

Clubbing The Seal

Stabbing Rosy Palmer

High-Fiving The Hairless Mole

Whacking The Quacker

Spearing The Zero

Pinching The Snickers

Draping The Tapeworm

Getting The Air Pregnant

Johnny Coming Lately

Oiling The Skin Flute

Massaging Ronald Reagan

Unblocking The Exhaust

Making Garth Hurl

Bonking The Dachshund

Kneading The Knob

Putting Decals On The Pocket Rocket

Rubbing The Magic Lamp

Shaving The Sweet Potato

Wreathing The Enchilada

Jerking The Gherkin

Flaying The Playdoh

Clasping The Asp

Coaxing The Turtle Out Of The Shell

Rolfing Jabba

Waxing The Dolphin

Having A Vaseline Sandwich

Making Bob Barr Bob For Apples

Bum-Rushing The Gusher

Teasing The Tortoise

Silencing Senor Wences

Snuffing The Snail

Garroting The Carrot

Squelching The Squirming Kermit

Groping Super Grover

Tickling The Elmo

Making Big Bird Scream

Feeding KY To Cookie Monster

Getting Oscar Even Grouchier

Muffling Mr. Snufalafugus

Crimping The Tadpole

Squirting The Squid

Jerking The Smurf

Frisking The Furby

Mugging The Slug

Jacking The Rat

Torturing The Teletubby

Catapulting The Manbatter

Scaring The Puffer Fish

Battering Baldrick

Stifling The Newt

Soothing The Squealing Pig

Leeching The Catfish

Jimining The Cricket

Putting Pants On Donald Duck

Making Goofy Tap-Dance

Gargling The Garden Hose

Bill Gating

Culturing The Yogurt

Waxing The Salamander

Adjusting Mr. Happy's Helmet

Shaking Down The Jawa

Workin' Out The Wookie

Pumping Out Nacho Sauce

Juking With Jergen's

Soiling The Ceiling

Gorging On Gravy

Doodling The Yankee Till He's Dandy

Shining The Shaved Ferret

Cracking Jimmy's Corn

Hardening The Aardvark

Going The Distance With Tex Cobb

Putting Faces On The Totem Pole

Twisting The Pixie Stick

Soaking The Gourd

Milking The Mongoose

Throttling The Duck

Gagging Gollum

Dabbing At The Crab

Corsaging The Blue Dress

The Ole Hubba Bubba

Twirling The Javelin

Bruising The Goose

Waving The Baton

Making The Meat Puppet Talk

Parking The Shark

Threading The Knuckle Needle

Thumping The Pumpkin

Drowning The Hobbit

Slapping Sluggo

Solving Rubik's Phallus

Faking Karate With Little Elvis

Lap-Based Web Browsing

Gettin' Some Air Nookie

Wrangling The Invertebrate Serpent

Tango Con Mano

Jostling Your Elder

Ruminating & Pondering

Shaking Your Fist At The Ex-Girlfriend

Releasing The Hostages

Tickling Your Elmo

Fixing The Hubble

Putting The Seminal Luge Team Through Their Paces

Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

Beta-Testing The Hardware

Downloading From Your Own Website

Evicting The Testicular Squatters

Manually Increasing The Surface Temperature Of The Ship's Primary Cannon By Repeated Linear Manipulation

Pocket Punch 'N' Judy

Signing Your John Hancock

Dragging Thyself To Hell, One Hand's Breadth At A Time

Emptyin' The Saloon

Waving To Queen Victoria

Trying For A Scarlet "M"

Oiling The Pennywhistle

Assaulting The Tower Of London

Cleaning The Musket

Quashing The Southern Uprising

Monitoring Your Merrimac

Driving The Golden Spike

Delivering The Ejaculation Proclamation

Churning The Codpiece Butter

Square Dancing With Satan

Addressing Lord Palmer

Making The Bald Man Cry

Playing The Single String Guitar

Consulting Your Silent Partner

Wrist Aerobics

Burping The Baby

Shaking Hands With The Unemployed

Tugging The Slug

Clearing The Snorkel

Tenderizing The Tube Steak

Bashing The Candle

Choking Kojak

Fiddling The Flesh Flute

Flogging The Log

Toss The Turkey

Toss Yogurt

Tug The Slug

Twang The Wire

Tweak Your Twinkie

Twist Your Crank

Unloading The Gun

Varnish The Flagpole

Wake The Dead

Walk The Dog

Walk The Plank

Wank

Wank With The One-Eyed Wonder Weasel

Wash The Meat

Wax The Buick

Wax The Carrot

Wax The Dolphin

Wax The Surfboard

Waxin' N' Milkin'

Whack Willy

Whack It

Whack Off

Whack The Weasel

Whip Off

Whip The Dummy

Whip The One-Eyed Trouser Snake

Whip The One-Eyed Worm

Whip The Rat

Whip The Stiff

Whip The Wire

Whip Up Some Sour Cream

Whip Your Dripper

Whittle The Stick

Whizzin' Jism

Windsurf On Mount Baldy

Wonk Your Conker

Work Off

Work Things Out

Wrestle The Dragon

Wrestle The Eel

Wrestling With The Bald Champ

Wring Out Your Rope

Wrist Aerobics

Yank

Yank Off

Yank The Crank

Yank The Yoyo

Yank Your Plank

Wanking

Jacking Off

Jerking Off

Whacking Off

Beating Off

Beating The Meat

Beating The Bishop

Saluting The Bishop

Slammin' The Ham

Stroking Off

Making Beef

Strokin' Off

Jerkin' The Gherkin

Pecking At Jimmy

Doing The Peter Beater

Stroking The Sausage

Squeezing The Lizard

Bopping The Baloney

Wringing The Weasel

Shaking Hands With The Unemployed

Making A Date With Rosie Redpalm And Her Five Sisters

Going Out With Felicia Five Fingers

Sharing A Moment With Yourself

Making A Choadload

Polishing The Baton

Churning The Butter

Choking Your Chicken

Stirring With The Skin Ladle

Waxing The Dolphin

Making The Puppet Spit

Giving Yourself A Hand

Making The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

Giving Yourself A High Hard One

Priming The Pump

Whipping Yourself Into A Frenzy

Pulling The Pud

Doing One-Handed Pull Ups

Wringing Out The Old

Making Soup For One

Getting A Handle On The Situation

Squeezing Off A Round

Playing Slopscotch

Charming The Trouser Snake

Making A Mess Of Things

Answering The Bone-A-Phone

Adjusting The Vertical Hold

Getting A Grip On Things

Doing The Five-Knuckle Shuffle

Palming The Top Card

Purging The System

Playing Solitaire

Making The Cream Rise To The Top

Just Add Water

Make Your Own Sauce

Doing A Load By Hand

Getting The Upper Hand

Pulling The Porpoise

Riding The One Handed Bicycle

Taking A Solo On The Skin Flute

Cramming For Finals

Hitting The Jizm Trail

Firing A Protein Torpedo

Slip Sliding Away

Marching To The Beat Of A Different Drummer

Aiming For The Stars

Milking It For All It's Worth

Stroking The Pony

Taking A Shot In The Dark

Gland Handling

I Wanna Hold My Gland

Going For The Gold

Taming The Trouser Shrew

Wrestling Willie

Teasing The Wonder Worm

Polishing The Purple-Helmeted Love Warrior

Lettin' Ol' Sniffer Out For A Run

Making The Swelling Go Down

Pleasing The Throbber

Heading Yourself Off At The Pass

Bringing It On Home

Cramping Your Style

5 Digit Disco

Buzzing The Honey Hole

Backslappin' Betty

Bailing Out The Gravy Boat

Beaver Bashin'

Bouncing The Bearded Clam

Buffing The Box

Buffing The Jewel

Butter Schlopping

Buttering Up The Whisker Biscuit

Clam Twiddlin' Jamboree

Critter Crammin'

Damming The Beaver

Dialing "O" On The Little Pink Telephone

Diddling Miss Daisy

Diggin' For Clams

Digitis Erectus

Drillin' For Oil

Feeding The Love Monster

Fingering The Fountain

Friday Night Lip Service

Frosting The Muffin Of Love

Giving Herself The Finger

Going For The Gooey Duct

Impeaching Bush

Juicing The Clam

Letting Her Fingers Do The Walking

Lip Smacking M

Swearing in the Purple Helmet Warrior

Making The Kitten Purr

Ménage A'mois

Performing A Pearl Jam

Petting The Kitty

Piddly Diddler

Playin' The Slots

Playing The Squeezebox

Pokin' The Pie

Polishing The Little Pink Pearl

Pumping The Kooter

Punchin' The Chipmunk

Reading In Braille

Riding The Clitoris-Sauras

Romancing Thy Own

Roughing Up The Suspect

Scrubbin' The Cake Pan

Self-Guided Tuna Boat Tour

Slopping The Hog

Smacking Jerry Garcia On The Nose

Smacking The Clam

Spanking Lucy

Splitting The Stocks

Spreading The Joy

Stirring The Cauldron

Stroking The Newt

Ticklin' The Taco

Tissue Tickling

Twiddlin' The Bean

Twirling The Pearl

Unbuttoning The Fur Coat

Doin' The Han Solo

Doing Your Homework

Drilling For Oil

Fastening The Chin Strap On The Helmet Of Love

Fire The Surgeon General

Fishing With Dynamite

Helping Put Mr. Kleenex's Kids Through College

Holding Your Own

Left To Your Own Devices

Liquidating The Inventory

Making A Cash Withdrawal

Minding Your Own Business

Pat The Robertson

Playing Solitaire

Putting Your Thumb In The Porridge

Raining On Your Parade

Relishing Your Hot Dog

Rubbing Yourself Until You Have An Orgasm Sampling The Secret Sauce

Shooting Yourself In The Foot

Spending Your Christmas Bonus

Stewing In Your Own Juices

Summoning The Genie

Taking A Load Off

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

Toying With Your Death Star

Using The Force

Varnishing The Banister

Wrestling With Your Emotions

Working Up A Foamy Lather

Arm-Wrestle With Your One-Eyed Vessel

Attack The One-Eyed Purple-Headed Warrior

Audition The Finger Puppets

Audition Your Hand Puppet

Backstroke Roulette

Bash The Candle

Battle With The Purple Helmeted Warrior Of Love

Be Your Own Best Friend

Beat Off

Beat The Bishop

Beat The Bologna

Beat The Dummy

Beat The Meat

Beat The Pud

Beat The Stick

Beat Up Your Date

Beef Tips Stroking Off

Bleed The Weed

Blow Your Load

Blow Your Own Horn

Bludgeon The Beefsteak

Bop The Bologna

Bop The Bonzo

Box The Jesuit

Box With Richard

Buff The Banana

Bugger Your Hand

Burp The Baby

Burp The Worm

Butter The Corn

Caning The Vandal

Charm The Snake

Check For Testicular Cancer

Cheese Off

Choke Kojak

Choke The Chicken

Choke The Sheriff And Wait For The Posse To Come

Clamp The Pipe

Clean Your Rifle

Clear The Snorkel

Climb The Tree

Closet Frisbee

Come Into Your Own

Cook The Cream Of Cock

Corral Your Tadpole

Couch Hockey For One

Crank The Love Pump

Crank The Shank

Crimp The Wire

Crown The King

Cuddle The Kielbasa

Cuff The Carrot

Daisy-Chaining

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer And Her Five Daughters

Date Rosie Palm And Her Five Sisters

Defrosting The Fridge

Diddle

Digital Penile Oscillation

Do It Your Way

Do Handiwork

Do The White Knuckler

Do The Janitor Thing

Drain The Monster

Dry Humping The Ottoman

Electing The President

Engage In Safe Sex

Exercise One's Right

Feed The Ducks

Fiddle The Flesh Flute

Fist Fuck

Fist Your Mister

Five Knuckle Shuffle

Five-Knuckle-Shuffle On The Old Piss Pump

Flick Your Bic

Fling Your Phallus

Flip The Bishop

Flog The Bishop

Flog The Dog

Flog The Dolphin

Flog The Dong

Flog The Hog

Flog The Log

Flog The Mule

Fly Fishing

Fondle Your Flagpole

Free Willy

Teasing the Trouser Trout

Frost The Pastries

Gallop The Antelope

Gallop The Old Lizard

Genital Stimulation Via Phallengetic Motion

Get A Date With Slick Mittens

Get Chafed

Get Off

Get The German Soldier Marching

Get To Know Yourself

Get Your Pole Varnished

Give It A Tug

Give Your Low Five

Go A Couple Of Rounds With Ol' Josh

Go Blind

Go On A Date With Fisty Palmer

Go On A Date With Handrea And Palmela

Go The Blow

Goose The Gherkin

Grease The Pipe

Hack The Hog

Hand Job

Hand Shandy

Hard Labor

Have One Off The Wrist

Hitchhike To Heaven

Hitchhike Underneath The Big Top

Hold The Bishop

Hold The Sausage Hostage

Hone The Cone

Honk Your Horn

Hug The Hog

Human Version Of Autoexec.Bat

Hump Your Hose

Jack Hammer

Jack Off

Jazz Yourself

Jerk

Jerk Jamby

Jerk It

Jerk Off

Jerk The Gherkin

Jizzlob

Jocelyneldering

Kick Your Roommate Out For Five To Ten Minutes To "Call Your Parents"

Look For Ticks

Lope The Mule

Love The Muppet

Love's Labors Lost

Make A Foreskin Cone

Make Instant Pudding

Make The Bald Man Puke

Making Soup

Mangle The Midget

Manipulate The Mango

Manual Labor

Manual Override

Master Bacon, Meet Rosie Hancock

Meat With Mother Thumb And Her Four Daughters

Milk The Lizard

Milk The Cow

Milk The Moose

Milk The Self

Milking The Lizard

Mount A Corporal And Four

Much Goo About Nothing

Nerk Your Throbber

Null The Void

Oil The Glove

Onan's Olympics

One Gun Salute

One Man Band

One-Night-Stand With Yourself

Pack Your Palm

Paddle The Pickle

Paint The Ceiling

Paint The Pickle

Palm The Calm

Peel Some Chilis

Peel The Banana

Perform Diagnostics On Your Mantool

Pet The Lizard

Pip The Pumpkin

Play Uno

Play A Little Five-On-One

Play A One Stringed Guitar

Play Five Against One

Play In A One-Man Show

Play Peek-A-Boo

Play Pocket Pinball

Play Pocket Pool

Play Tag With The Pink Torpedo

Play The Skin Flute

Play Tug-O-War With Cyclops

Play With Your Turtle (For Uncircumcised Guys)

Playing The One-Stringed Melody

Please Your Pisser

Plunk Your Twanger

Polish Percy In Your Palm

Polish The Rocket

Polish The Family Jewels

Polish The Helmet

Polish The Rock-Hard Staff Of St. Peter

Polish The Rocket

Polish The Sword

Pound Off

Pound The Bald-Headed Moose

Pound The Pud

Pound Your Flounder

Pound Your Pud

Prepare The Carrot

Prime The Pump

Pull Off

Pull Rank

Pull The Bologna Pony

Pull The Carrot

Pull The Cord

Pull The Goalie

Pull The Pole

Pull The Pope

Pull The Pud

Pull Your Own Leg

Pull Your Prick

Pull Your Taffy

Pump The Python

Pump The Stump

Punch The Clown

Punch The Munchkin

Punish Percy In Your Palm

Ram The Ham

Relieve Tension

Ride The Great White Knuckler

Roll Your Own

Romeo And Himself

Rope The Pony

Rope The Pope

Rub Off

Rub One Out

Rub The Pink Eraser

Run Off A Batch By Hand

Sacrifice Sperm To The God Of Lonely Nights

Safest Sex

Sand Wood

Scour The Tower Of Power

Scratch The Itch

Secret Handshake

Self Abuse

Self-Induced Penile Regurgitation

Sex With Someone You Really Love

Shag

Shake Hands With Abe Lincoln

Shake Hands With Yul Brynner

Shake Hands With The Midget

Shake Hands With The Unemployed

Shake Hands With Your John Thomas

Shake Hands With Your Wife's Best Friend

Shake The Sauce

Shake The Sausage

Shake The Snake

Shaling The Snake

Shellac The Shillelagh

Shemp The Hog

Shift Gears

Shine The Helmet

Shine Your Pole

Shoot For The Moon

Shoot Putty At The Moon

Shoot The Airplane

Shuck Your Corn

Slakin' The Bacon

Slam The Ham

Slam The Salami

Slam The Salmon

Slam The Spam

Slap High Fives With Yul Brynner

Slap It

Slap Pappy

Slap The Carrot

Slap The Clown

Slap The Donkey

Slap The Pud

Slap The Purple Headed Yogurt Pistol

Slap The Salami

Sling The Jelly

Smack Off

Smack The Salami

Snap The Monkey

Snap The Rubber

Snap The Whip

Solo Flight

Solo Marathon

Solo Sex

Spank Frank (Or Elvis)

Spank The Bishop

Spank The Frank

Spank The Monkey

Spank The Salami

Spank The Wank

Squeeze The Cheese

Squeeze The Juice

Squeeze The Toothpaste In The Middle Of The Tube

Squeeze Your Cheese-Dog

Stinky Pinky

Stir The Batter

Stir The Yogurt

Strain The Main Vein

Stroke It

Stroke Off

Stroke The Carrot

Stroke The Dog

Stroke The Mole

Stroke The One-Eyed Burping Gecko

Stroke The Satin-Headed Serpent

Stroke Your Poker

Stroke Your Twinkie

Strumming The One String Harp

Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

Take Part In Population Control

Take The Fifth

Take The Monster For A One-Armed Ride

Talk Quietly To Yourself

Tame The Shrew

Taunt The One-Eyed Weasel

Tease The Weenie

Tenderize The Tube Steak

Test The Testicles

Test Your Batteries

That Crazy Hand Jive

The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver

The Art Of Unisex

The Five Knuckle Shuffle

Thrash Your Thing

Thump The Pump

Thump Your Thong

Tickle The Ivory

Tickle The Pickle

Tickle The Taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Toss Off

Toss The Snag

Wag The Dog

Southen Handshake

Southpaw Salute

Singing With The Barbershop Quintet

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Euphemisms for Masturbation

The List So Far

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